Surfpolitik The next 10 cyclones: A bold prediction

In: Surfpolitik by Stu Nettle 32 Comments Tue 22nd Jan '13

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Working independently of my colleagues here at Swellnet I've been busy forecasting the coming cyclone season. Using the science of stereotyping, the same scientific field that teaches us all dogs are male and all cats are female, I've put forth my prediction for the next batch of cyclones. The list is taken from the Bureau of Meteorology starting with the latest cyclone, Oswald.

Oswald: It's the quiet ones you've got to be wary of. Or the ones with meek, nancy-pancy names. Lee Harvey Oswald may have been a patsy for the CIA, the FBI, and mebbe even the KGB, but make no mistake, he was one bad fucker - unassuming but dangerous. Same with his namesake, Tropical Cyclone Oswald is currently making his way across Far North Queensland and the bustling hubs of Kowanyama and Pormpuraaw would do well to keep a close eye on him. As should the BOM who need to run ASCATs to determine his connection with MJO.
Peta: Will be a disappointment to her parents who always wanted a boy. It's not just rural Chinese and Indian families who display gender favouritism - just look at the difference in pay rates here in Australia! Sadly gendercide is frowned upon here so the next option is often sought: banishment to WA's Pilbara region where unwanted progeny are unlikely to turn up in records of public affairs or photo albums.
Rusty: Will be christened Russell but his first act will be to call up the bureau and have his name changed to Rusty. "It just suits my knockabout nature," will be the reasoning of this curiously sunny cyclone. Of course the bureau will oblige - after all, everyone loves Rusty. Henceforth Rusty will hold the door open to let ex-TC Peta exit the room, give a wink to the good folk at Townsville, and doff his hat at the giggling lasses in Cairns. All the while Rusty will keep a respectful distance from the working families of Queensland. People will remember him fondly. Next year Rusty will appear in 'most popular name' lists for babies and blue heelers.
Sandra: She'll come bouncing out of the Coral Sea charged up on a post-workout endorphin high. The quintessential sporty gal, Sandra will do three laps of the Coral Sea: one to warm up, one at 100%, and then a slow, warm down circuit while sipping on an orange Gatorade.
Tim: There's a gap in my knowledge here. Will conduct some more research shortly...
Victoria: Hardly a secret, Victoria will put it all out on display. Haughty one moment, vivacious the next, but never, ever boring and dull. Victoria will please.
Zane: Will perversely harbour a superiority complex owing to his name beginning with the last letter of the alphabet. Typical of his conceited nature he'll mistakenly believe this superficial fact makes him unique and special. Tropical Cyclone Zane will subsequently follow a well-worn path, slowly tracking south-east away from the mainland as hundreds of cyclones before him have done. A week later no-one will remember his name.
Alessia: And we're back to the start of the alphabet again! Fortunately coastal communities have nothing to fear from Alessia as she's Daddy's little girl. Undoubtedly attractive, her isobars will display uncanny symmetry and surfers will be enchanted by her beauty. There will be collective excitement as everyone rates their chances, and then collective disappointment as nothing comes of the courtship.
Bruce: Bruce will do a fridge-to-fridge tour of the Queensland coast finishing at the Point Lookout Hotel for an extended session of binge drinking. Happy and cheerful at first, he'll begin to challenge fellow drinkers with chants of "piss on or piss off", before taking a swing at a confused tourist, vomiting on his feet and then falling asleep in the gutter. The next day there'll be pumping waves.
Christine: The real danger event of the cyclone season. Hell having no fury and all that. With a furrowed brow and tight isobars Christine will be furious as all get out.
Dylan: Named after a mumbling folk singer who changed his name from Zimmerman to that of a drunk Welsh poet. Dylan will have a nervous tic that'll keep North Queensland communities on edge expecting the unexpected. But the cane cutters have nothing to fear. Burdened with acceptance issues, Dylan (nee Zimmerman) is too eager to please and too timid to offend. There'll be no blood on the tracks nor any raging against the dying of the light.
Edna: Hello Possums!

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