Quiksilver Pro 2012 The Outsider: It Ain't Easy Being Green

In: Quiksilver Pro 2012 by Steve Shearer 91 Comments Thu 1st Mar '12

Tags: kim dot com , james murdoch , kelly slater , bug

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"It's not easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things." Kermit the Frog.

I spent the morning on the beach, enjoying some unattended, knee-high, glassy babyfood and toking on some mellow Autumn harvest bush weed, which seemed a reasonable enough antidote to the Hobbesian hystericism consequent to being a part-time surf journo these days.

Cough, cough. Excuse me. This stuff tickles the throat.

As I was saying, the chance to gird the philosophical loins during the laydays is fundamental for the wellbeing of your typical scumbag surf journo caught in a shame spiral in the hurly burly of the online bear-pit.

Appreciating some quiet reverie under a pandanus palm with the morning paper the gestation of a monstrous new idea began to take shape. I'm hoping we could walk through it together, and suspend disbelief for just a few precious moments of your day. Maybe flesh it out in the comments section to come to grips with the details.

Good to go?

Alrighty. First of all, by way of preamble, anyone getting paid to surf is a Pro Surfer, someone being used to sell something, a surf celebrity as Greenough calls them. Secondly, Pro Surfing and the surf industry aren't the only global multi-nationals currently struggling to stay afloat amidst tectonic shifts in consumer sentiment.

Kim Dot-Com, the elephantine founder of Internet file-sharing service MegaUpload, has been back in front of the beak, seeking bail as he fights the full litigious power of the American entertainment conglomerates. They want Lil' Kim hung, drawn and quartered with the bleeding bits dragged behind Disney horses down the main street of Hollywood to send a message about who controls the narrative.

Meanwhile, James 'Jimmy' Murdoch has quit as executive chairman of News International, over the continuing phone hacking scandal. He plans to continue as deputy chief operating officer of News Corp with a focus on pay TV. Yes, pay TV.

OK, here's the deal Jimmy. You swoop in and pick up the low hanging fruit of Pro Surfing media rights for a song, call off the rapacious lawyers on Lil' Kim, form a joint venture with Kelly Slater and Bugs for a ten event Rebel Tour based on pay per view at exotic locales and file sharing through MegaUpload.

Boom-tish.

Jackpot.

It's so simple and glaringly obvious it's hard to believe no-one's thought of it before. Lil' Kim, Jimmy Murdoch, Old Baldy and Bugs. Tell me how that's not a Dream Team to drag the carcass of Pro Surfing through GFC Mk2 and back into the stratosphere.

Jeezus, Kelly was close but just couldn't put the hat in front of the right people.

Cough.

Of course I got straight on the hambone to Kelly and Bugs to pitch the deal. A small one-off spotters fee for moi should refresh the quiver and snatch a few surf trips for financial year 2012, but so far, no response to the pitch. I even penned a little proof of concept on the back of a pie bag which I'd be happy to present at a joint meeting just to get this baby bird up and flying.

I know you're reading this Kelly. Think about it. Get your people to call my people.

Lil' Kim and Jimmy Murdoch are proving a little more tricky to get hold of. Kim's been banned from the internet which makes him a trifle hard to get a hold of, and Jimmy, well lets just say Jimmy might have a few bigger fish to fry right now.

Dizzying, I know, but in this strange universe of Pro Surfing the normal physical laws of cause and effect don't apply. In these weird times we must all learn to think laterally if what we love is to survive.

Could we come back to the question of the Final Day before calling it job done for the layday? Just to put some meat in this bizarre, global multi-media sandwich.

First, the forecast. Swell will be from the southern quadrant over the weekend, reducing the natural wavespeed down the bank and enhancing the carve back into the pocket with a longer tapering coping section and less of the sharp bowl seen in a more easterlly swell. That's if they hold it at Snapper. At D'bah it goes to punchy peaks or wedges off the wall. Onshores will add texture and crumble.

Owen will have to clearly out surf De Souza in the opening quarter to get a potential match-up with Slater in Semi 1. Doable, very doable, but he needs early scores to bring the hi-fi noise or De Souza will hunt him down with relentless priority pressure.

Same with Kerr, only moreso. Kelly will apply immediate pressure, aiming for a 'within ten minute' combo situation to make Kerr think twice about big air on the opening manoeuvre. Kerr could be far ahead but Slater will punch to the hooter. I expect Kerr to crumble under application of scoreboard pressure as time ticks down.

Jordy and Joel is the great match-up on paper, with plenty of skin in the game for both of them. Joel has evolved his surfing and the ten point ride is now the dominant mental image judges will hold as the benchmark for good surfing in this event. Parko must approach that performance level again to beat Jordy and dominate him in the air and on the face. Jordy himself has plenty of dry powder in the chamber which makes this theoretically the heat of the event.

Ace has scrapped hard to get this far but Taj only needs limited opportunity to easily outpoint him regardless of venue. Taj should be cognisant now of the lessons of last year where Kelly puff-balled him into waiting for afternoon onshores which didn't suit the chattery Firewire. Momentum suits Taj while Ace will benefit from any disruption to the fragile Burrows rhythm.

A potential bait and switch with equipment from the thruster to five fin set-up gives strong potential for Kelly to gain a material and psychological advantage over an opponent who holds no fear for him.

A redux of the Final last year is a strong possibility for those looking at odds.

Hang on, there's the phone ringing.

What's, that Jimmy? You love the concept. Onto it straight away. Now about that spotter's fee, Jimmy. Cheque's in the mail ya reckon. Great! Nah, nah, don't mention it. Pleasure's all mine. Stay outta trouble, eh.

With the world going to hell in a handbasket sometimes all it takes is for great minds to be brought together.

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