Surfpolitik Wright's wishy-washy Open excuse

In: Surfpolitik by Stu Nettle 34 Comments Fri 10th Feb '12

Tags: owen wright , dane reynolds , australian open of surfing , barton lynch , kurt jacobs , asp

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As the organisers of the Hurley Billabong Australian Open of Surfing are putting the final touches to their beachside big top the word has arrived that Rip Curl rider, Owen Wright, has pulled out of the competition.

Yesterday Owen's management notified event officials to inform them of his withdrawal. Apparently Owen is suffering from complications due to "dehydration". Owen was reportedly, "feeling fine, surfing and filming for one of his sponsors but after a long stint in the water his condition deteriorated."

Wright was due to surf his first heat in one weeks time on Thursday the 16th yet his management said the dehydration-related illness may possibly linger and they couldn't take the risk. Owen's manager, Kurt Jacobs, said of the mystery affliction, "We certainly hope he's okay by next Thursday and we assume he will be feeling okay by then," before adding, "but he might not."

Expanding on the vague ailment Jacobs said, "The diagnosis is still hazy, but the assumption is Owen will be okay as long as he gets a chance to rest."

A hazy diagnosis indeed...

Kurt Jacobs, can I have a quiet word with you? I'll be straight. The excuses you're using wouldn't have got me to the sick bay of the third-rate high school I attended let alone given me a week off to sit at home, watch soaps and eat cheese toasties. Which I'm sure is what Owen intends to do with his free time.

If you want to sound convincing then you've got to bring a doc onto the scene. Make it all official like and let him do the talking. Or, if you're gonna fly solo, then at least use some imagination. Dehydration is an entry-level excuse - you should aim higher. After all, pro surfers travel and expose themselves to many exotic diseases that provide a ready supply of excuses. Malaria is completely plausible. Golden staph too. Hell, you could even give dengue fever a run. Couldn't be less believable than the last person who tried it on.

But this dehydration business isn't a good look for your young charge. Consider this: The contest director at the Australian Open is 1988 world champion Barton Lynch. A bull-headed competitor in his day, Lynch was once asked what it would take for him to miss a heat. "Comatose in bed. Dead." was his stoic reply. Yet the Big O is flagging the comp because of a dry mouth.

See what I mean?

But perhaps I shouldn't be so blase about the potentially harmful effects of dehydration? After all, it wasn't that long ago - 2009 in fact - when Dane Reynolds had to be hooked up to an IV drip after three surfs and two macchiatos during the final day at Trestles. Surfing's macho image took a hit, that much is true, though the incident confirmed what we long suspected: Dane is a fragile, delicate genius. His suffering made sense to us.

Unfortunately, Owen, having never painted his own T-shirt, worn bright socks or read Steinbeck, can't be granted the same indulgence. Fragility won't be looked on fondly. My advice to you, Kurt, is to pour water on Owen's dehydration excuse. Wash your hands of it. Then take a leaf out of Dane's 2011 World Tour yearbook and blame Owen's no-show on sore ribs. It just sounds better that way.

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